Thursday, June 12, 2003

pride is a strange thing.
inside myself, it is linked to insecurity.

tina and i watched out of africa tonight, and we cried at the end of it, as usual, from when karen asks denys for a dance to make another memory she can torture herself with (or even earlier, actually, when denys talks about mating for life, one day at a time), to when the lions sit on finch hattons grave. the movie brought up one of my recent issues way too well: unconditional love as letting go, love without strings attached. you owe me nothing in return.

afterwards, with tina gone, i wasted time online, being too proud to make a phone call that might have eased my mind, too proud, too, to hop on a tram to get some company and conversation. - i waited till it was too late for either.

all just because i got insecure, all out of a sudden.

it's a little as if walls went up around myself, to protect me and prevent me from showing too much, from getting too close. a call now would show i care, care more than i say i do, maybe. a call right now might be too much, too close, too clingy.

honesty shows how much i care for someone, but tonight i am not honest to someone i care about: i don't call, even though i want to. i am playing games in a way, and it doesn't feel good, being mixed up with my insecurity and my pride.
i want to love with my hand outstretched, offering, but right now, i am scared of getting hurt, scared of rejection.

i will make myself talk about it, tomorrow, when my pride and insecurity have calmed down, when pure, blunt honesty feels right again, when i've caught up on much needed sleep the lack of whose is surely clouding my mind right now, when this balmy night is over.