Tuesday, June 03, 2003

i've been thinking about love a lot this past week, as one does, at the end of a relationship.

whiny thoughts of the "i will never be able to love this way ever again" have been rare.
fact is, i will never love the way i loved evan ever again, because it was such a lonely, unhealthy, clingy kind of love. so often, it left me sad and drained instead of energised and happy. it wasn't always bad, but it simply wasn't good most of the time.

i loved him, feverishly, to no avail. i always tried to love more, harder, more intensely, trying to convince him to love me back. i smothered him in caresses, attention, presents, hoping for a few crumbs of love in return, but rarely got any. i kept moving closer, closing up my eyes to his moving away from me. i cherished his body, knew every square centimeter of his skin and made love to it, while my body remained unloved, untouched by him.

i will never be able to love that way again.

right now, i feel unbelievable amounts of love for so many friends near and far, and strangely enough, the love i feel is open and without boundaries.

instead of closing up, trying to protect myself after this recent bit of heartbreak, heartbreak that lasted 3 1/2 years, i love even more intensely already. - and it's unlike anything i have ever felt before.
it's clear, see-through, flowing, open and pure. it's caring intensely, while letting go, letting be, whatever it may be.

instead of clutching my fist around love so that it can't escape, i turn my hand upwards, open my hand and offer it.

it feels unbelievably good.