Thursday, June 19, 2003

coming home from the gym tuesday morning, pedalling slowly along my street (trying to avoid running into pedestrians), i saw him sitting in front of my house, waiting for me, fresh from his last but one abi exam.

the entire way home from gym i had wondered about going over to his place to see him: monday night had upset me quite a bit, with my silly issues and having made their little appearance for no real reason at all.
but he was there, already, waiting for me. wow.

over lunch and cuddles and irresponsibilities that felt delightfully good, we figured it all out again, without stress and worries, and my issues dissolved into nothing again, just like they should. i discussed that issues stuff with silke tuesday night at yoga - she calls them favourite emotions, and that's an appropriate term, i guess. in a way the guilt and inadequateness and the worry about pushy-ness are comfy. i know these emotions, i can resolve to them instead of really dealing -and possibly changing- the situation at hand. guilty as charged.

it's amazing and new and scaring the shits out of me to realise and accept how essential his presence already is for me. i've never let myself feel this way for anyone before, and right now it's hard to find a balance between that feeling and plain old common sense about relationships, not rushing into them at the start but retaining a sense of self and independence.

i've never had this before, i need to learn how to do it, this close, non-distance relationship thing. i need to figure out how to live, love, handle this intense all-consuming-head-over-heels-forever-love thing, which is as unbelievable as it is unique.

this is the kind of stuff that makes people run off to vegas. or so i think.
this stuff makes me wonder why people want anything in this world. this love makes me feel so content and fulfilled i am almost completely need-less.

it will work, i have no doubts about that, but right now, alone at home and still awake this long past midnight (after a day of celebrating dirk's last exam with beer, prosecco, rigos, pot and natural highs) i feel just a tiny little bit lost, unsure about where my center is, where the balance is, where i belong in this all. i wonder what i need, and how all that will eventually work with his needs.

you can ask for anything you want/anything at all/and i'll understand it/and there are no strings attached to it.

i truly, honestly, deeply mean and feel that. however it's tricky to put to work. it's a little tricky to put to work if i have no idea what *i* need, or when what i think i need or want, or would like to have is completely counter to what he needs.

it's nothing fancy, this stuff. it's relationships 101, introductory lecture. easy business, basics, but to me, it's new, brandnew, because in all those ldrs i had, so many low quality compromises were made when together with silly "well, soon we won't be together anymore, we shouldn't be argueing" logic.

writing this, posting this, is blowing things a little out of proportion already. me wondering about my needs and his and how to work them out is nothing big, nothing to worry about, nothing bad. this is just me, full of all this warm, fuzzy emotionstuff for a tall blonde man with seefahrer eyes who's quite likely asleep in his bed just a few kilometres away. this is me feeling all this sitting at my computer, not sleeping next to him, which feels a little bit lonely.

i should just go to bed, and sleep, soon.
and stop listening to tex singing "ich kann dich spĆ¼ren". silly me.