Monday, March 31, 2003

'tis monday morning and i'm not working. bad me.

instead of sitting over my books or at least cleaning my flat, i'm sitting at the laundromat/internet cafe right now. as usual, i'm profiting from dieter's kindness and getting free coffee, and today i'm also profiting from the high speed connection: am downloading music recommended to me this weekend, and will later burn it, too. it's fun: i'm in control of the music for this place, now, caus the computer i'm using has loudspeakers attached, so right now everyone is listening to "long time running" by the tragically hip. nice.

am still feeling quite strange this morning. - am tired, and achy and just not functioning too well, even though the music and the coffee and chatting with dieter and the high speed connection and a monitor that isn't strangely tinted are all somewhat helping. last night (and that's just proof that something wasn't quite right with me), i started discussing the boy and our issues again with my mother, which i just shouldn't do. shouldn't do that with anyone, actually, should probably not write about it here, either. i realised that, too, when i chatted with heather yesterday (which was the first time in ages, and lovely). i want and need to talk about it, but words are so faulty and wrong. talking to hether, i also realised how egoistic some of this is, how all he sometimes seems to think is me-me-my-arm-is-broken-i'm-bored-when-i-have-shift-work-i'm-worse-off-than-you-are-me-me-me-you're-the-evil-jealous-one-me-me-me. who supported him during his last year of uni? how come now that i am asking for some support, it's suddenly too much? where's the balance? why is this tuning into a "who needs more support" competition?
in any way, talking about this, writing about this all, i get too frustrated and bitter and realise how non-ok some things are, and that i pretend i am all cynical, when all i am is still hurt and scared and angry, too. i also think its not good, because i cement my opinions, without him having a chance to make things better. so i'd rather stop for now.
i need to be talking and communicating him, first and foremost. after all we made some progress last week. let's see how it will continue. hopefully better than last weekend, when he didn't call me back after i left a message for him on saturday because "he didn't feel like it".

oh please, throw some crumbs of love on the floor for the little sparrow sitting underneath the breakfast table.

so maybe, for now, i will just quit talking (with some at least, probably not you, phoneboy, sorry 'bout that) and writing (right here at least) about the boy and our issues, for the most part at least, to really give me and us some time and de-stress this by trying to minimise my constant worrying about and analysing of the situation. words make things seem more definite than things feel like. right now, it all still feels in flux.
of course, this censoring myself is a bit constructed, a bit fake. because i do worry, all the time, i do think about it, all the time. i am stressed by this, all the time. i hope it'll help to stop talking for a while. i really want to calm down and accept whatever the outcome will be and do what's best for me and us.

just to illustrate how stressed i am: i took a pregnancy test this morning, despite no firm reason. - i had started to wonder whether my health issues (tiredness, throwing up and the like) might be pregnancy related, even though i had two withdrawal bleeds since any partnered sex. - a family friend who's a doc actually asked my mom whether i was pregnant when she heard my hb was unusually low for me. this would have been the most non-perfect but oh-so typical time for an unplanned pregnancy: when the relationship is in deep crisis.
alas, this morning, after five minutes, one sole blue line. so at least one thing i can quit worrying about for now. would have been against so many odds, anyway.


what a monday so far.