Monday, February 17, 2003

they make me feel raw, these talks about what to do, how to do it, how to afford it.

it being my move to australia.

combining love with money and a governement organisation that isn't too excited about letting anyone into the country who is not a nurse, midwife, chef or radiology technician, is the perfect recipe for stress.

i know it, i am doing it. or rather: we are doing it.

evan and i, we had a close to 2 hour talk about the options today, and i still feel raw and open and my eyes are still red and swollen from the crying.
it's pathetic. this should be a joyous thing, planning our future, but it isn't.

there are plenty of options, but they all come with their own set of downsides. all of them.

either it's too costly (there are actually several options that fit that criteria). or it means a whole year doing something that's not helping my career (but most likely harming it). or it scares him (but then, isn't it all scary anyway?). or it means being creative with visa restrictions (which makes me fear being extradited or not getting a partner visa when he finally feels ready for that). then there is an option which would involve staying here longer (which i really do not want).

it's so difficult to talk about it all without being hurt by his doubts and worries and concerns. i don't want to pressure him, want him to have space to say what he really thinks, but it's hard when i am thinking/planning to leave my country for *us* and he gets jitters about us moving in together. yet i can't do anything but accept his worries for what they are.

it's so difficult to decide what's best. it's such a lonely thing to do, this decision.

i feel like i will soon implode from the pressure.

(to top my day of, my last pack of timtams, which i turned to after hanging up the phone, turned out to be ruined by heat exposure. they are all covered with grey cocoa fat residue, and the choc is rough in the melt. fuck. someone send me timtams, please?)