Tuesday, February 11, 2003

februarium, day one: who you love. (a day too late)

dear evan,
when i saw you for the first time on platform #3 of freiburg train station (i had been running late to pick you up) that december evening more than three years ago, my first impression was that you were "just another typical aussie from the exchange". i'm still sorry for that: it must have been the big jacket and beanie and backpack distracting me from the person underneath the winter & backpacking garb. but then, you thought i looked just like ellen, which i quite simply don't do. we're even on how off we were with the first impressions, aren't we?

within hours of your arrival, i realised that you were different to anyone i had ever met before. sitting at cafe legere with you, i felt that you and i, we were extremely similar and had lots in common, i felt like a recognised you. butterflies started to rage in my stomach and i kept telling myself that no, i shouldn't misinterpret the comfortable talking and the opinions we shared and should better not start harvesting romantic emotions for someone who i not only had to work with for the next few weeks, but who also -quite literally- lived at the other end of the world
but alas, both you and i know what happened next.

it's amazing to realize that it's been more than three years since we met.

we have changed in those three years, our relationship has changed. those first few months apart, after those first few weeks of bliss (and you leaving jen) were terrible. if i look back at us then, it's like seeing two people doing everything wrong one can do wrong about ldrs. it makes me very sad to think how depressed i got through those first months, through jen being constantly around while you didn't take a firm position to her. it's embarrassing to realise that i pressured you that much, just like you're embarrassed about how much ego-cuddling by other people you needed back than, and how you let other people's emotions and needs override yours, and how badly you treated me.

we've both grown and learned and improved so much since.

i still can't quite say when the change happened, when we finally got on the route to a better relationship. - i remember us argueing at cologne train station in the first week of 2001, when it felt like we were either going to get through or break up. so severe were my issues with you needing others for your self-esteem.
it's been hard to see you, intelligent, beautiful, smart, talented, sexy, loving, being so unsure about yourself. it made me feel like something about me was wrong, when you needed other people's praise.

since then, things have improved constantly, our time together now bliss- and not stress-filled. sure, there are still bumps in the road (and they are plentiful), but you and i are the team we were the first weeks we met, sharing so many things we both enjoy: music, cooking, working out, watching sports, roadtripping. the more time i spend with you, the more i know i want to be with you, and that the place where i should be is with you.

while our time together has grown better, saying goodbye to and being apart from you has grown harder.
i remember us thinking we'd get some sort of routine to saying goodbye over time, but really, the more i know i want to be in melbourne, with you, the harder it is to get on the plane back here.
it seems so pointless to clear my life up here, when i can not wait to start living with you. - the glimpses of coupled life together we've had so far were so good, made me so happy.

being with you not only makes me feel safe and loved and secure, but it also challenges me. challenges me to let go of those obsessive compulsive streaks i have, challenges me to care less about some and more about other things.
but above all, being with you feels right.
i miss being with you, sleeping next to you; i miss your hands on me, i miss touching your hipbone (which has been mine, since the first time we got naked), i miss kissing you, tasting you, spending an afternoon being under and above and surrounded by you, i miss sitting on the rim of the bathtub, watching you shave, or looking at you while you're in the shower, making poses for me. i miss cooking with you, making coffee for you in the morning and quitely having breakfast sharing the paper, i miss walking and talking, driving around in your mg, i miss our conversations, i miss how you challenge me mentally, and how we're able to discuss so many things.

this year is going to be adventurous: so many changes, your new job, my graduation, my impending move. - i am sure if we don't loose sight of the team that we are, we will manage it, just fine.

it's a great adventure to be your partner and i can't wait until we have this all year round, and not just in short bursts.

i love you.