Friday, February 14, 2003

februarium, day five: why you love.

i learned lessons on the hows and whys of love from reading and studying erich fromm's "the art of love".

fromm thought that many people make the mistake to love with a focus on themselves. they love only to be loved in return and make the mistake to see love as something that revolves around an "object". - people objectify themselves, for example by trying to be exceptionally powerful or beautiful to be loved (or rather: "admired") by others.
fromm however, understood love as an art, as an ability. he saw love as the ability which frees people from the fear that arises from the seperatenes from others that life is, as the answer to the fundamental desire for unity and the union of the male and female energies of the universe.

the pillars of fromm's view on love were the following:
love is unity, in which the partners still keep their own identities. love is the power with which people tear down borders and walls. fundamental for love is the act of giving, during which more love is created.
love is the care for life and growth of who and what we love.
love is responsibility.
love is respect.
love is acceptance.
love stems from freedom.


and i like this view, this why of love, and try to live it.
and boy, is it hard.

too often, jealousy, fear, doubt or selfishness get in the way of loving this way. -especially now, that something in me craves for assurance about the "lonliest decision i will ever make", my decision to move to another continent for love.
nonetheless, it's something i am working on, to stand back, to compromise, to give without expecting something in return, to control less, to support more and to let evan be free.

it's frightening, this letting go, but i strongly believe that there is no other way than this one.

you owe me nothing in return
~alanis morissette~

i'll give you countless amounts of out-right
acceptance if you want it. i will give you
encouragment to choose the path that you
want if you need it.

you can speak of anger and doubts,
your fears and freak-outs and i'll hold it.
you can share your so-called "shamefilled" accounts
of times in your life and i won't judge it.

and there are no strings attached to it.

you owe me nothing for giving the love that i give.
you owe me nothing for caring the way that i have.
i give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.

you can ask for space for yourself
and only yourself and i'll grant it.
you can ask for freedom as well
or time to travel and you'll have it.

you can ask to live by yourself
or love someone else and i'll support it.
you can ask for anything you want,
anything at all and i'll understand it.

and there are no strings attached to it.

you owe me nothing for giving the love that i give.
you owe me nothing for caring the way that i have.
i give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.

i bet you're wondering when
the next payback shoe will eventually drop.
i bet you're wondering when my
conditional police will force you to cough up.
i bet you're wondering how far you
have now danced your way back into debt.
this is the only kind of love
as i understand it that there really is.

you can express your deepest of thruths
even if it means i'll lose you and i'll hear it.
you can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss,
i'll empathize with.
you can say that you'll have to skip town
to chase your passion and i'll hear it.

you can leave and hit rock bottom
have a mid-life chrisis and i'll hold it.

and there are no strings attached to it.

you owe me nothing for giving the love that i give.
you owe me nothing for caring the way that i have.
i give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.