birthdays with a lot of alone time make for reflective moods. still feel that even a day later. hence this bit of intro-and retrospection.
- 15 Years Ago I...
- was in 4th grade at primary school;
- spend my summer with my parents in austria and at a riding camp on a farm with my cousin and some friends;
- fancied french actor pierre cosso in "cinderella '87";
- got my first ever walkman, which was pink; and
- loved the pink bike i had been able to afford from the money i got as presents on my first holy communion that year.
- was in 4th grade at primary school;
- 10 Years Ago I...
- was in 9th grade at grammar school;
- spend my summers at summer camp at the castle, with a whole bunch of galpals, and had the best summers of my teen years;
- fancied ralf, summer camp group leader, who these days lives in this city and had had a short bad fling with magnus;
- would share two pairs of chucks with my friend jane so we'd wear a different coloured show on each foot; and
- went to my first u2 concert, zootv on june 4th at dortmund's westfalenhalle.
- was in 9th grade at grammar school;
- 5 Years Ago I...
- had just graduated from high school with a grade of 1.1;
- spend my summer as a group leader at the camp at the castle for the last time, in paris at the catholic world youth meeting and in hamburg, visiting d.;
- fancied d., despite unsuccessful attempts earlier in the year of getting with my friend tim , kissing simon, and later in the year having the wee little affair with christian;
- i was just about to start uni; and
- moved in with the flatmate from hell.
- had just graduated from high school with a grade of 1.1;
- 2 Years Ago I...
- was preparing for my first trip to australia;
- was clinically depressed and on trycyclic depressants and pretty much out of it all;
- was already very much in love with ev, but terribly stressed because of his ex and the bullshit he let her put him through;
- kept a now gone diary at opendiary.com; and
- was slowly but surely seperating myself from a big group of people i had thought were my friends.
- was preparing for my first trip to australia;
- 1 Year Ago I...
- was already stuck in the same kind of law school rut i am in now;
- started volunteering at pp;
- had hoped to spend the summer in australia, which didn't work out;
- made the mistake of fleeing to my parents for much of the summer; and
- was already seeing dr.k but still pretty down most of the time.
- was already stuck in the same kind of law school rut i am in now;
- Yesterday I...
- turned 24;
- took the time to read the sunday paper on the balcony;
- talked on the phone with my toyboy twice;
- had a couple of nice chats with friends; and
- sobbed in front of the tv during all you need is love.
- turned 24;
- Today I...
- talked with ev's mother on the phone because he was out;
- deep-conditioned my hair;
- didn't study enough;
- wrote an article on tss for scarleteen; and
- had more choc than i've had in the past 6 weeks. Blame mom's birthday pack.
- talked with ev's mother on the phone because he was out;
- Tomorrow I...
- will watch the world cup semi final and cheer for germany;
- will hopefully feel good enough to work out;
- will hopefully get to speak with the toyboy himself;
- will use my fabulous new bag; and
- try to be a bit happier than today.
- will watch the world cup semi final and cheer for germany;
- Five Places I've Lived...(for more or less long periods of time)
- duisburg, nrw, germany
- la mata, torrevieja, spain
- christchurch, new zealand
- freiburg, bw, germany
- melbourne, vic, australia
- duisburg, nrw, germany
- Top Five Biggest Worries At the Moment...
- what my stay in australia will be like and how my relationship with ev will be influenced by the not so ideal living situation;
- how i will finance my studies in australia;
- how i will face and manage to work through the social anxiety i have developed in the past 2 years and whether i really am as messed up as i fear i am;
- how i will manage to finally graduate as quickly as possible; and
- whether law is the right profession for me to start with.
- what my stay in australia will be like and how my relationship with ev will be influenced by the not so ideal living situation;
- Top Five Biggest Joys At the Moment...
- my relationship with ev & the love i feel for him and feel coming from him;
- my upcoming trip to see him;
- summer;
- feeling and seeing my muscles move when working out;
- spitting my thoughts out in pixels right here; and
- the improving friendship with my brother, as it is finally looking like we might finally start to treat each other on an adult to adult basis.
- my relationship with ev & the love i feel for him and feel coming from him;
(survey from aroha; aroha btw is maori and means love. fabulous name.)
it's terrible to feel like i haven't made any major steps and developments or reached any major achievements in the past year or so. instead, it feels like i have been regressing more and more and crawling further and further back into the ridiculously cliché shell cancers like me call their home.
but then this has been a constant feeling for that period of time. i should have gotten used to it by now.
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