Monday, June 24, 2002

birthdays with a lot of alone time make for reflective moods. still feel that even a day later. hence this bit of intro-and retrospection.


  • 15 Years Ago I...

    • was in 4th grade at primary school;
    • spend my summer with my parents in austria and at a riding camp on a farm with my cousin and some friends;
    • fancied french actor pierre cosso in "cinderella '87";
    • got my first ever walkman, which was pink; and
    • loved the pink bike i had been able to afford from the money i got as presents on my first holy communion that year.


  • 10 Years Ago I...

    • was in 9th grade at grammar school;
    • spend my summers at summer camp at the castle, with a whole bunch of galpals, and had the best summers of my teen years;
    • fancied ralf, summer camp group leader, who these days lives in this city and had had a short bad fling with magnus;
    • would share two pairs of chucks with my friend jane so we'd wear a different coloured show on each foot; and
    • went to my first u2 concert, zootv on june 4th at dortmund's westfalenhalle.


  • 5 Years Ago I...

    • had just graduated from high school with a grade of 1.1;
    • spend my summer as a group leader at the camp at the castle for the last time, in paris at the catholic world youth meeting and in hamburg, visiting d.;
    • fancied d., despite unsuccessful attempts earlier in the year of getting with my friend tim , kissing simon, and later in the year having the wee little affair with christian;
    • i was just about to start uni; and
    • moved in with the flatmate from hell.


  • 2 Years Ago I...

    • was preparing for my first trip to australia;
    • was clinically depressed and on trycyclic depressants and pretty much out of it all;
    • was already very much in love with ev, but terribly stressed because of his ex and the bullshit he let her put him through;
    • kept a now gone diary at opendiary.com; and
    • was slowly but surely seperating myself from a big group of people i had thought were my friends.


  • 1 Year Ago I...

    • was already stuck in the same kind of law school rut i am in now;
    • started volunteering at pp;
    • had hoped to spend the summer in australia, which didn't work out;
    • made the mistake of fleeing to my parents for much of the summer; and
    • was already seeing dr.k but still pretty down most of the time.


  • Yesterday I...

    • turned 24;
    • took the time to read the sunday paper on the balcony;
    • talked on the phone with my toyboy twice;
    • had a couple of nice chats with friends; and
    • sobbed in front of the tv during all you need is love.


  • Today I...

    • talked with ev's mother on the phone because he was out;
    • deep-conditioned my hair;
    • didn't study enough;
    • wrote an article on tss for scarleteen; and
    • had more choc than i've had in the past 6 weeks. Blame mom's birthday pack.


  • Tomorrow I...

    • will watch the world cup semi final and cheer for germany;
    • will hopefully feel good enough to work out;
    • will hopefully get to speak with the toyboy himself;
    • will use my fabulous new bag; and
    • try to be a bit happier than today.


  • Five Places I've Lived...(for more or less long periods of time)

    • duisburg, nrw, germany
    • la mata, torrevieja, spain
    • christchurch, new zealand
    • freiburg, bw, germany
    • melbourne, vic, australia


  • Top Five Biggest Worries At the Moment...

    • what my stay in australia will be like and how my relationship with ev will be influenced by the not so ideal living situation;
    • how i will finance my studies in australia;
    • how i will face and manage to work through the social anxiety i have developed in the past 2 years and whether i really am as messed up as i fear i am;
    • how i will manage to finally graduate as quickly as possible; and
    • whether law is the right profession for me to start with.


  • Top Five Biggest Joys At the Moment...

    • my relationship with ev & the love i feel for him and feel coming from him;
    • my upcoming trip to see him;
    • summer;
    • feeling and seeing my muscles move when working out;
    • spitting my thoughts out in pixels right here; and
    • the improving friendship with my brother, as it is finally looking like we might finally start to treat each other on an adult to adult basis.



(survey from aroha; aroha btw is maori and means love. fabulous name.)

it's terrible to feel like i haven't made any major steps and developments or reached any major achievements in the past year or so. instead, it feels like i have been regressing more and more and crawling further and further back into the ridiculously cliché shell cancers like me call their home.

but then this has been a constant feeling for that period of time. i should have gotten used to it by now.