Thursday, June 20, 2002

all that girly fluff aside, i'm not too well.

it's loneliness, another case of "the mauves", missing evan. nothing i can change to well this very moment.

tina called a little while ago, and i was snarky and didn't even feel the need to change it. i was terribly annoyed by her reasoning on the most irrelevant issue of all; we argued about -please don't laugh universe- waterbirths.
tina was watching "birth story" on tv, told me to turn it on, too, and then got all judgemental about the going-ons. she deemed that the waterbirth the mother in the show had chosen -in a hospital birth tub, mind you- was unhygienic and disgusting -"you're lying in your own blood! you'll have to give birth to the placenta in there too!" gasp!
i replied that she should better not get pregnant if she deemed blood during birth intolerable. giving birth to another human involves bodily fluids and blood and amniotic water. it's needed. it's normal. it might not be the best thing about giving birth, but hey, it's life. it's magical. so what? then dissected each of her arguments until she got all snarky and told me she preferred if we agreed to disagree.
guess i'm just a bit too alterna-birth for her. or rather: she's not quite enlightened yet.

i'm well aware though that that really wasn't the reason for the quarreling. the underlying reason is the fact she has not made a single move indicating that she plans to re-establish the plans we had for this weekend (i.e. the skate class and my birthday) before her brother said he'd come down here. he's cancelled his plans now, you know? so are we going back to our initial plans? apparently not.

maybe i am subconciously sabotaging this friendship and being all kindergarten in order to not miss her that much when she's gone after the summer. could very well be.
i feel neglected and unloved and unneeded. lovely.

a similar snarky thing happened on the phone with my mother the other day. she has been making plans for october that again involve holidays for my dad and her, and me looking after shop/house/cat while they are away.
i wouldn't mind it as much if it weren't in the first week of my last fucking semester here. i just can not stay away from uni yet again because they want to go on their fucking fifth holidays of the year. i told her there is no way i can stay away again, and she gave me the usual guilt trip, which worked as nicely as ever.
sure i care about my cat. sure i care about their business. but fucking hell, let me live my life. i want to get away from here, i need to get away from here, i need to get my fucking degree and if you don't want me to leave but start working in your bookstore, then fucking say so. just don't try to sabotage my life and plans with your fucking holidays. i told you not to make plans that involve me from september on. so don't!


i'm not angry though. not really. it's the usual sick and tired of sick and tired and wanting to function and to finally get this degree and pack my things and get away from here and partly re-invent myself. even though i practically am away from so much already.

you know, part of it is that i miss evan. i can't even put into words how much i do.
i've told myself a thousand times how bad it is to really need another person, but i do need him. life is better with him because of what's between us. i miss the communication and rapport we have when we're in the same room. i miss his mind and his voice and his hands and the rest of his body.
the bad thing is that i already miss thing we will not have once i am there. we won't have the easy coupled up life we have when he's here. we won't be sleeping with together and next to each other (at least not without guilt like we were 14). i worry about what that will do to us again.

so pointless to get all sad and gloomy about us now. it's about 4 1/2 weeks until i'm there, nothing to whine about, no reason to be sad. it's going well. it'll all be well. it'll work out.

made the mistake of reading around the remains of my now long gone opendiary today.
"august 29th 2000 - this isn't it. what is happening right now is not what i wanted.
yesterday was fine. went to phillip island, saw my first koala, heard the first kookaburra, saw and heard my first penguin. a nice day on the road.
but something last night ruined it and this morning everything was wrong. just wrong. i feel i should stay here and not go to sydney, even though we wouldn't spend much time together anyway and get a chance work through what we have to work through. this is all screwed up. severely.
so what was it? i don't know. being turned down again? i really don't know. i should have gotten used to it right now, that he doesn't want me near. he just doesn't feel how scared i am. and he doesn't see how it hurts, in regard of the fact that we have so little time left.
i didn't want this. i just didn't.
listen to too much radiohead.....bulletproof i wish i was....and if i could be..who you wanted.....
if i could fucking be what e wants. if i could be what makes him happy."

i try to remind myself it's all going to be different now, we've changed, we've grown, we're better, we know what to expect, we're sure. i try to remind myself that the distance that bothered me when i wrote the previous wasn't just due to the lack of privacy but to all the unresolved issues between us and the ones he had with jen. but i have a hard time convincing myself of that in the wee hours of the morning.

i feel the empty space around me and inside me where he should be. his absence lurks in the background and creeps in on me in moments like these when night is falling and the moon rising and i feel so far away from the world, sitting at my desk seeing no lights in the coutyard because all my neighbours are out there having a life.

i think i just need a good long reconnecting conversation with my boy to remind me of the goodness that's between us.

i can not wait to get off that plane and feel him again and the things that are between us and head to the gomez concert the very same evening, doubtlessly crying during we haven't turned around". life will be better then.

why can't i just skip these next four weeks?

wenn man zu lang allein ist kommen komische ideen
es gibt zwar grund zu leiden doch wer will das schon hören
hab all meinen rest zusammengepackt mich zusammen genommen
war gerade mal dabei allein klar zu kommen

wie aus dem nichts
tauchtest du plötzlich vor mir auf
wie aus dem nichts
schnappten wir beide nach luft

wenn man zu lang allein ist kommen komische ideen
man wird verschroben, das können die wenigsten verstehen
war gerade dabei den hundeblick wegzujagen
diese gedanken mit gewalt aus dem kopf zu schlagen

wie aus dem nichts
liefen wir uns über den weg
wie aus dem nichts
blieben wir voreinander stehen

nicht mehr dran gedacht
nicht mehr drauf gehofft
keinen zentimer-, millimeter mehr daran geglaubt

wenn man zu lang allein ist kommen komische ideen

"wie aus dem nichts" ~nationalgalerie~