Wednesday, October 31, 2001

Went to see Dr.K this morn, for the first time in 3 weeks.

I should have gotten and appointment last week, but had avoided it, and when I finally wanted to call in yesterday to get one, Dr.K had already tried to reach me.

It was a good session, I assume, considering that I finally got all that shit that has been bothering me out of my system, even though that meant that as a result, I used up a whole pack of tissues and just cried.

Do I feel better now? Not yet.

What bothers me a little is that we haven't talked about meds yet, and I really want some loony pills now. - Even if it might be just for the placebo effect.
I know all this bullshit can't be blamed on my brain and my neurotransmitters alone, but I am not sure either, whether this is all just the result of some 23 years of being conditioned to make not me, but others happy. I am not convinced that following Dr.K's advice alone would make me feel better at the moment. Deep down inside, I feel that his advice is propably good advice and that the action plan he recommends is a good one; - but right now, I feel like it would only backfire and make things worse, a lot worse. And quite honestly, I already know that all my worst expectations would be fulfilled anyway. I already know what reaction I will get. So do I need the proof? I don't think so.

Give me some pills so that I can recover, and once I'm a bit better, I'll get to the root of the problem. Just not right now. And not before Ev arrives. I can't do that.

In the meantime: if anyone owns a magical hat that could make me dissappear - send it over. I need it.
My big sunglasses are hardly a subsitute.

And to the weather gods: for goodness sake, could you please put an end to this awful heat thing? It's the last day of OCTOBER, for fucking sake. I want a COLD FRONT. Rain. 10°C maximum.

Come on, it isn't that hard to do.