Wednesday, July 11, 2001

Had 46 minutes of relationship bliss again.

Geez, I like my relationship this way. It's all so good at the moment, really.
Had such a nice chat with Ev. It all feels so good really, and I am happy that he is happy and thinks our relationship is a source of strength and happiness for him these days, too. We have perspective. And goodness, that rocks. Not comparable to the bullshit of last year, when everything was simply horrible and I was sick and depressed and we just communicated like hell. I still wonder how we both came out of this together and intact. And I should probably thank "all you need is love", too.

Ev started his psychiatry term this Monday, and talking about this, we realised he never knew how sick I was last year - I had never told him about my suicidal ideas from back then until this weekend, really. Very strange. I just hid it all from him, because it was so embarrassing and because I felt like the greatest looser in the world (and still do, sometimes), and felt that he didn't understand the things that I *did* tell him. That probably explains his reaction back then to me going on meds, too, he simply didn't realise how bad it was.
And woah, I was very sick.
I think he only got a glimpse into what it was all like after I had that major breakdown that one night in Melbourne. It's painful to remember that night, because it's like something someone else experienced, not me. I cried for such a long time that night (and so loudly that his brother woke up and asked Ev to look after me), it all hurt so much, everything hurt so much that night and I just felt like my life ended. I can't remember what happened that night that prompted this. Probably some bullshit about our relationship, crappy sex, not having intimacy, me having to beg to cuddle with me for a minute or two. I don't know. We had lots of issues between each other then, the Jen stuff, the him-avoiding-parts-of-the-city-because-of-her stuff, the bullshit from her friends and whatnot, my depression, the family situation and we simply shouldn't have had any sex back then, it just made it all worse. Oh well.
It's strange to look back on all this. So long gone.

And goodness, we are so much better as a team now. We really support each other now. And we make each other happy. And that's great, and makes me all sobby and happy.
And I think we can handle much more together, too.


So very good.

That much relationship sobbiness for the day. :)

I was lazy today, lazier than I should have been, indeed. Studied a little, but definitely not enough. Watched the tour and tried to find a detailed map of the route (unsuccesfully). Chatted with Heather and got annoyed by posters at the boards.
Went to a Pump session this morning, which was great, Julia held it, and we were just two people and laughed a lot and got a good workout.
Went to a Bodystyling class held by Markus again last night, and I think that was the last one, really.
It was exactly the same routine as last week. Boring. But what can one expect from a man in a one piece lycra jumpsuit? *lol* Just kidding. I don't know, this class just doesn't make me feel very good and as I was lying there fighting with my leg muscles, I felt hatred for my bod and for me in general coming on, just like last week. And that outweighed the good feeling working out usually gives me. Not too good, I think. I should just go somewhere else instead. This morn, laughing and working out with Julia was such a difference, while I still pushed myself to the edge strenght wise.
In any way, I feel good body wise this week, and think I'll dare to go to a Spinning class tomorrow night. Yay. Haven't done spinning in ages, and some cardio-induced endorphins can only be good for me. - And I don't expect myself to fall from the bike either.

That's really all for the mo. I am sitting here in my clean & dad-proofed flat (not that I had much to hide, really), hiding my twice washed sloppy hair under a ridiculous bandana, waiting for Buffy to start, eating choc mini rusks (my supermarket had them for the first time in ages today). All nice, really.

Life can be quite easy sometimes. Indeed.